Last week we lost our beloved cat. Maddison. What a beauty she was. We had had her for 16 years, which is pretty good innings for a cat. She was sick at the end and we often questioned if we left it too long, but she was such a massive part of our family and we loved her like that. Like another child. As people often do.
To say goodbye was heartbreaking. She was such a little personality. Funny and quite ‘in your face’ – she was noisy and chatty and used to run to see us all when we got in. She was my little pal and then she was my husbands. Such a character.
She put up with Daniel too, he loved her. He could pick her up and fuss her and she would purr and let him. It wasn’t always like that! but in the last few months she really morphed in to Daniels cat. We wanted to be really honest with him, but he’s 4 so we were subtle. We took it stage by stage and explained Maddie was sick, that the vets had taken her and finally she had died.
I think he was well prepared as he seemed OK with it (as he can be) and talks about how Maddie is now up in heaven.
It started to make me think about loss. We’ve lost some pretty serious people in our lives over the last 2/3 years. The saddest and most heartbreaking was one of my closest friends son’s. Not my story to share, but needless to say, an impossible and incomprehensible loss. I look at her everyday and think how amazing she is, to get up and carry on. She’s my hero and I love her (& her daughter). She’s someone I am so blessed to have in my life and Daniel’s.
My Father in Law also. He was ill for a long time. When he passed away, it was almost a relief. He was very much in pain.
So I then think about my parents and how old they are now and how much life has changed for them. I’m 38 this year. My parents are getting older (my dad is 70 next year) and the thought of my mortality hits me. Their mortality.
How long do I truly have with them? how long does Daniel have with them? Grandparents are so special. We must keep them in our lives as long as possible.
I don’t really want to think about it. I honestly don’t. But I think loss, no matter how big or small, makes you reassess your own life. Your own feelings and your own memories.
So then, so I can keep going, I think of all the good things in my life.
My Husband and Son – my Sun, Moon and Stars. My Friends – so many wonderful ones. My Family – can’t live with them, can’t live without them. My work – love it and wish I didn’t have to do it in equal measure.
Someone asked me recently – how do I define myself – what’s my ‘identity’? I said:
A mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister and a woman.
I am all these things. I hope more. But if this is what I am, that’s good enough.
Lady C xxx