Chapter Twenty-Four – Break on through to the other side…

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Hello Lovely People

This week I’ve been fighting.  I went into battle in fact. OK well not war, but a bit of a tussle! I had to. Sometimes you can’t lie down and take it. You have to fight.

I wanted to show that I wasn’t a doormat. I take responsibility – sure. Always. But to have the implication that the best we are doing with limited resources and big challenges and we are not doing all we can – is not enough….. well that’s something I won’t lie down for. OK so I had to have a few tears first. I think I must have freaked a couple of people out (my boss who’s never seen me cry – Ok well a small welling of eyes) The end result was fantastic. I realised that I’d been trying to ‘fix’ everything on my own for such a long time. Lesson learnt – you can’t do it all alone. Ever. It was a revelation.

I also had some perspective. I worked from home on Friday and I had the chance to do two things – get on top of work and also drop off and pick up my boy. I needed to decide if this was all worth it. I’m tired and I’m stressed and I think its time that I changed something. I know I can’t just drop everything but I need to decide what I can live with and without. Dec would like me to resign everyday until I actually do – but I’m a bit scared.

I feel like I need the anchor of a good job. As I’ve got older – I find I need more security. Its probably having Daniel. What job though? I think about running my own business ALL THE TIME. I like the idea of the freedom. I know there is massive risk and I don’t have the initial financial outlay but one day I will. I promise.

My parents had a slightly ‘laissez-faire is French and literally means “let [them] do,” but it broadly implies “let it be,” “let them do as they will,” approach to life. Not that they weren’t vaguely sensible but its a kind of ‘live for today’ motto that I’ve sort of adopted. Money. I tend to spend everything I have. Every penny in my account. However, about 2 years ago I started saving.

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I pay everything off every month and I’m not in debt but I do like to buy pretty things. Errmm a lot of pretty things. (red faced) (above is new Michael Kors watch and new Jessica Nail Varnish and new Purple skirt…)

They (my parents) did not have this attitude about most things – but money seemed to come in and out our house. One minute mum had 3 jobs and we were totally broke and the next minute we had horses and BMW’s and well, STUFF. At one point we were so broke we had the bailiffs around and we only had milk and bread.  The next minute Mum and Dad are buying my brother a house! its insane. I don’t mind the live for the moment attitude but it really freaks Dec out. My dad came from a big family and had nothing so wanted to give us everything. My mum was an only child and lived in Devon so had animals, fresh air and freedom – all things she gave to us.

I lived for the moment for a long time. So has my brother.  They (our parents) were strict on curfews and grades  but we had many a good NYE’s party 🙂

I wonder if this was a good way to live? I was always self motivated. I still am. I knew I had to be good at whatever I did and money comes with that (work wise anyway).

I definitely have a 50/50 personality. 50% of me loves change and is willing to try anything and the other 50% is terrified!

My mum is a very risk taking entrepreneur who likes to try new things. She’s had some brilliant ideas. She’s really creative. She’s been ‘comfortable’ and recently she’s been almost ‘bankrupt’ yet she seems to roll with it! its amazing really. My dad just says its all his idea when its good and blames her when it goes wrong! They are still happily married after 37 years so it must work!

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I have a very very cautious and risk averse husband who is brilliant at saving and so clever with money. I am learning from him but I will always want to shop! I’m so glad we have that balance.

He’s probably the right side. I realise now that I’ve wasted so much money over the years.  I’ve thrown money at things. time poor – not exactly cash rich but definitely not poor. Having Daniel has made me want to buy him everything.  We recently started to clear out our loft and we had bags and bags and bags of clothes and I felt sick. We did use most of them but quite honestly a lot of things Daniel had only worn once.  What a waste of money. Yet I did it.

I do the same with my wardrobe every so often and promise I won’t do it again. I always do. Right now some things are important but some ‘things’ are not.

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This is such a true quote. I love it. It grounds me and reminds me what a lucky lucky person I am and I really do have the most important things, family, friends and love.

So this week ahead, clothed in courage (OK and a new dress) I will start to strive for what I really want and start to decide how I get that.

Wish me luck lovelies

Signing off.. to ermmm… spend money…?!! (joke)

Love Lady C x

 

 

 

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