Well this has been a roller coaster of a week and quite honestly – I’m still on it!
I just don’t even know where to start. Its been so emotional and I think I’m going to feel like this for the whole of this week. I managed to get through Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
Thursday however, was a whole different ball game. Saying goodbye to my childminder Kelly was so hard. I left work early to get Daniel and I’d already had a few tears in the morning, but as we sat on her kitchen floor putting things in bags, she started to cry and I started to cry and the reality of it all hit me. Things would never be the same again. Ever.
As we said goodbye and I drove away, I just couldn’t stop crying. Daniel was saying ‘Mummy, stop crying, its going to be fine” and I kept reassuring him but I couldn’t stop. He wasn’t upset – he’s so grown up – he was just bored of me crying! I just felt like someone had turned a tap on and I couldn’t turn it off.
I feel like I’m not in control. There is a whole new world Daniel is about to enter and I can’t stop it or change it or… wait for it…. control it…. (whispers)
I’m so sad. I feel like I did when I first went back to work. Really overly emotional and unsure about how its going to be. Knowing that my baby is now going to school is definitely having a strange effect on me. I’m thinking of all the things that could ‘go wrong’. I honestly thought he needed me when he was little but now I realise as he gets older, he may actually need me more. This was him at 9 months old when I went back to work. He seemed so tiny!
This is my big boy now! 4 years and 3 months old. He doesn’t seem big enough to go to school! Where has the time gone? I’ve blinked and I’ve missed so much. I’m so sad that I have missed so many things. So I’m at a cross roads. This is how I felt 3 years ago when I went back to work. Guilty, emotional, out of control. Not a place I like to be…
What now? what does life have in store for us now? I’m slightly paralysed by fear – I know this will pass, but I need to get this week over. I need to stop my stomach churning and this feeling of unease to pass. I know it will. I need to just get past Wednesday and experience it and know he has loved his first day and that he’s happy and settled in his new world. I can then go back to normal levels of anxiety!
Happiness is worth more than anything. I really believe that. You can be the richest person in the world and be unhappy. Money makes things easier but it doesn’t ‘buy’ happiness, it just makes things easier. There are some amazing people in my life who are not happy right now. I really want them to be and I know they will be soon. I really feel like 2015 (next year) could be a pivotal year in so many ways. I know I want to do something different with my life (professionally).
So once Wednesday is done and we are in a routine and I’m off this roller coaster, I’m going to reflect back and think, ‘that wasn’t so bad’ and I’ll have many more years of new experiences and learning to live with challenges (I hope) I just know this is the start of many more.
I’m going to let myself feel it and then move on. Life is to short to reflect on the scary/uncomfortable stuff for too long. All things come to pass and all journeys have ends. Nothing lasts for ever, good and bad. This week I will be saying goodbye to one chapter but hello to new one.
Thinking of you all this week.
All my love