Chapter Twenty-Seven – Sweet Like Chocolate…

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Hello my lovelies

I’m wanting to say some random things this week – so please bear with me. There is a theme here somewhere but I’m kind of not sure where to start.

Life is Sweet like Chocolate? Yes maybe. A lot of the time actually. That’s what inspired me to write. I have eaten a lot of the stuff this week! I’ve also had two days out of London and I feel much calmer when I have some time to focus, regroup and think about what I’m going to do. I love my Regional Stores. They are so warm and friendly and different to the day to day focus on London (which has its own charms).

I never used to be like this. I never thought or reflected – I just took action. So I’m quite proud of myself now. Being able to pause and think is a really useful skill to have. It makes you look thoughtful and measured which in turn makes you seem experienced (well I hope so!!). Action is a good but only if its the right action!

It also meant I got to pick up and drop off my boy. Which of course I loved. He’s got interesting stories to tell everyday now. I don’t know if all of them are true….. I kind of take some with a pinch of salt. He’s a bit dramatic. I think he maybe a Hollywood Actor one day with his flair for acting and singing. I really don’t care what he does as long as he’s happy but he certainly loves being in the limelight sometimes. But on his own terms. He’s charismatic. He’s charming. He’s very cute (I am biased) but he’s got big blue eyes and a cheeky smile. Everyone loves him (even when he’s naughty).

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I flit between wanting him to have confidence and wanting him to be humble and grateful for what he has. How will the world be when he’s an adult? Right now its full of wonderful ‘Millenials’ who are very much ‘what’s in it for me’ because that’s all they know. There is so much feedback for parents. What you can and can’t say, what you need to do to make your kids happy, love and and respect you. How you build their confidence. Its overwhelming. Should we build them up or knock them down?

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I suffered from crippling self doubt and shyness for a really long time. I mean, I was really lacking in confidence. My parents loved me but they didn’t ‘boost my ego’ or do anything to make me think I was extraordinary. They loved me and there was obviously love and affection but they didn’t ‘build my confidence’.  It was an average level of ‘required’ praise and I just muddled through. I was sick when I was younger so I wasn’t at school for large periods of time. I completely lost any confidence I had. I also really did not like my body. I had acne and I was overweight (I thought) and I just really couldn’t imagine not being lonely. All my school friends were at school so I very much felt disconnected. I had only adult company and therefore I was very sensible and grown up from an early age.

One of my oldest friends at the beginning of the year said to me “its like you are living your life backwards, having experiences and jobs that you should have had when you were single or without kids”. Thats partly true. I have seen myself grow and change a lot in the last 6 years. I have been on ‘a journey’ as my old US company would say. I have changed, I’ve gained confidence in some areas. I know I’m a competent leader of people and I know I’m honest.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I care too much (I’ve had a hundred sleepless nights worrying about things).

I have learnt so much about myself in the last 3 years. I absolutely know my weaknesses. I know what I can do better. I think I know my strengths. But I feel everything so deeply I know this will be my biggest challenge. I can’t ‘switch off’ – I’m not a perfectionist as such but I do like to see things through.

I’ve done multiple personality profile tests and I know I’m emotional and creative. I know I feel before I think. I know I’m left brained. BUT what I don’t know is why I’m always striving to be better. Why I can’t just be satisfied with what I have. Not in a negative way! I am happy and I love my life. But I can see where I could do more, add more value, be better, do better (love better, be a better mother etc). Its not paralysing and I can live with imperfections but I would like to create a wonderful home and life for my son and I want to be the best I can be at work and a good wife!

I do wonder what then drives me? I am self motivated, I can’t sit still, I can always find something to do. I feel a bit…. guilty when I do take time for myself… but yet I manage to cram most things in.

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Do you think as humans we are programmed to always want to do better? Is it a genetic thing that drives human’s to succeed? I’ve read loads of articles about ‘being happy’ and ‘ do this, this and this to be fulfilled’ but its basic human psychology  – survival of the fittest – to strive for more.  (see interesting articles below)

http://elitedaily.com/life/the-unattainable-urge-to-always-want-what-we-cant-have/

We are curious us humans. We want to learn, to know more, to experiment. We are taught to do better. Better than our parents and grandparents. We also are VERY technologically advanced. This has given us a window to the world that we didn’t know existed. Maybe Gene Roddenberry wasn’t so crazy when he created  Star Trek. When will we discover we are ‘not alone’? I think we (humans) will pretty much keep searching and wanting more. Its also choices. We have so many now. Its sometimes overwhelming. We all want to make the ‘right’ choice. (see below article)

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-grass-is-never-greener-and-how-to-be-happy-today/

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The above is so true. The planet is a beautiful mix of dark and light. Night and day. Light and shade. A bit like us humans. I have dark days where I can’t even imagine getting through things (not often but it does happen) and I have very light days where I feel alive and happy.

I am generally an optimist but no one can be perky all the time.

I wonder when I’m going to say, enough is enough. I’ve done all I can. I’ve lived a good life and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. The obvious answer is on my deathbed I suppose – but I’d kind of like it to be sooner!

So in summary – I think I’m rambling but there is a point. The point is – no one is perfect and no one gets it right all the time. And thats OK! that’s RIGHT.

If you get it right for YOU and YOU are happy then that’s all that matters.  We come to this life naked and crying, we probably will leave this life the same way.  Its only fair we should have the ride of our lives in-between.

I’m going to remember whats good rather than what’s bad. I’m going to celebrate success not mourn failure and I’m going to stop thinking…. ‘if I just achieve this or do that I’ll be happy/skinny/ richer/less tired/more engaged – (*apply anything here) and try and LIVE FOR THE MOMENT.

I say TRY as I think its a big ask. But if you don’t ask you don’t get.

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Love this quote, so true.

Have a great week,

Love Lady C

xx

 

 

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