Chapter Twenty-Six – Didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you…

 

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I’ve had a drink this weekend.  Not massively unusual, I like an occasional glass of wine, but last night I found myself on the drunk side of drunkness.  It was a revelation. I kind of liked it.  It was nice to let go a bit. I realise I’ve been a coiled spring for about 9 months and I forgot how to have a laugh!

I tell you what though, I’m a cheap date. I only had 2 glasses and I was drunk as a skunk.  No wonder my hubbie married me – I’m a lightweight. Speaking of Marriage. I was drinking (Prosecco) for a good reason. I’ve been married 12 years on Sunday 5th October (today).

Bless my poor husband having to be married to me. He deserves a medal honestly. I’m a bit of a nightmare.

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This is us. I was 25. I mean I was young ( and kind of thin and vaguely attractive). Its all gone downhill now. Completely. Only surgery will fix me now, I’m convinced. I’m at least 2 stone heavier and I’m definitely not as smiley as this! (OK well I’m quite smiley).  I met my beloved when I was 19 & a half.

17 years and one small boy later, we are still knocking about together.

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I actually look OK in this picture. I was PARANOID at this point that I looked OK – there was none of the things I rely on to keep me looking vaguely organised right now (my semi permanent lashes etc etc) I had to go old school with just make up and some semblance of youth. I don’t look like this now.  A few years of broken sleep and a diet of sugar and caffeine has taken its toll! I now definitely look all of my 37 years (and maybe a couple more).

I reminisce about the days when back then – I thought I was fat and ugly (I was actually neither but 20 years on I can see that now) and how little confidence I had in myself.  My hubbie did really change my life in so many ways.  He gave me confidence and made me feel loved and special and really gave me the best gift of all – our Son. (obviously with a significant contribution from myself). Lets just say, I had limited experience before him.

My first love was not my first boyfriend, he was much older and I was a VERY naive 15 year old. I can’t say that that relationship set me up for success. He would constantly compare me to every other girl ( and bizarrely his gorgeous, blonde, thin sister – which now I think about it was CREEPY and quite vile – I think thats why I stopped watching Game of Thrones because of the incest…) and I was very very sheltered and naive.  He was just a manipulative arse. My parents saw right through it and hated him but obviously that just made me more determined to carry on.  At 17 & a half I saw the light and ditched him, eventually.

There was a lovely boy next – who was so so good to me. Funny, sweet and kind.  He was a gentleman and he put me back together.  He was adorable and I still sometimes see him and remember just how good he was.  I won’t mention his name but I might message him and say thank you! As I think of him I remember how sweet he was, I saw him at a charity ball last year and he’s such a good man. I hope he’s happy forever. He deserves to be.

My first ‘love’ was a very popular and good looking footie player from the local pub I started working in (which is also where I met my husband who is also a good looking footie player…!) and he properly broke my heart this boy. I totally loved him.  Deep, heartbreaking love. However, he is very happily married to the most amazing girl, they have 2 wonderful kids and we all see each other and laugh about the good old days so I’m so happy for us all.  In terms of fate – if he hadn’t broken up with me (sob * broke my heart) I would not have met Dec.

Next came someone who I really really cared about, I loved his family. I loved his step mum. She was amazing and I wish I saw her more. I don’t think we were ever meant to be for life and it only lasted a few months but he was so kind and made me get over my first love. He had a complicated life and it would never have worked but we had a really deep connection and I still think about him. Every time I hear Heaven by Bryan Adams I remember him. He was a very good man. Just had a crap personal situation. We had an amicable break up but I’d sworn off men.

So when I met my husband I really wasn’t looking for love.  Or anything. I decided I was nearly 20 and I wanted to be on my own.

I have to say, he turned my head.  He was all confidence and good looking charm and fun.  He was so warm and witty. He just had this natural way about him. Everyone liked him and gravitated towards him. He also seemed to seek me out. There was something kind of territorial (in a good way) about it. I felt special and really really liked. I say liked as it took him 2 years to tell me he loved me. BOY was that a long wait. Worth it. But bloody hell!

All the girls were like ‘ oh you’ve got a good catch there’ etc etc and I was definitely in agreement but I wanted a bit more.  People would say ‘ you two are the perfect couple will you get engaged and Dec would say ‘No. Never” and I used to get soooo upset!  However I realise now that he’s just super private ( he hates this blog and how much I share) and just didn’t want everyone to know what his plans were.  As a consequence when he did propose 4 years in, I was SUPER shocked! (very happy but very shocked).

The rest, as they say, is history! We had the most amazing whirlwind of holidays and fun times and buying houses and starting new jobs and then after a long time (I will go in to this another time) we finally got pregnant with our boy.  He’s rocked our world in so many good and sometimes bad ways. But neither of us would change a thing.  12 years married and 17 years of a life.

He (husband) does still keep me on my toes.  I don’t always know what he’s thinking and that can be hard but I also respect his need to go in to his ‘man cave’ and deal with stuff.  I know him inside and out and he does me. Its definitely a good place to be. I feel lucky everyday.

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This has to be his motto. Bless him. I can be a bit of a nightmare. I’m easily upset, I’m emotional, passionate, overly empathetic and I feel EVERYTHING. He’s calm and considered and composed. He thinks and reflects. I act. He waits and is patient. I’m the least patient person in the whole world. I like to do things – NOW and he likes to wait at least a week! but it works! I think the opposites attract thing might work for us. Well it has for 17 years.

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So the bumpy bits have only been since I went back to work after Daniel. It was so hard for me to do that. I was angry and resentful for a long time. I didn’t see myself as a career girl and yet I did. (Gemini!)  and I watched Daniel with someone else as his main care provider for a lot of the time ( who I could not have lived without and she was amazing) but it still HURT.  I think only now, he’s at school, do I feel marginally less guilty.  But there are other guilts now to replace. However I always still want to be here at home with him.

I now have 13 people to worry about (my team at work of 11). Daniel will always be my sun, moon and stars. I literally would die for him. Poor Dec ended up on the bench. We sort of drifted away from each other. We started to stop talking and other things. I thought it was me, he thought it was him. Neither of us said anything.  Until last year and I wanted to just scream. We realised we were putting everything and everyone else first. We LOVED each other but we’d forgotten how to be ‘in love’ and we both really wanted to get back there. Desperately. Nothing was ‘broken’ but it could have been. So we started the journey back to love and lust from just being together.

I know that not everyone survives having kids and that actually you do lose yourself during the first few years. I definitely didn’t know what I wanted and where I was headed but the path has cleared and life seems simple again. Me, Dec, Daniel. Love, kindness, passion and forgiveness. Whatever else comes will be a blessing.

I think if you can survive sleepless nights, insecurity about your body (me), wracking, overpowering guilt (me) and some seriously tough times (parents passing and challenging finances of other parents and so many other things) then you can survive anything.

To my darling, wonderful husband (who I know reads this as he set it up) I actually adore you. You still rock my world (in a good way) and whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.  We have so many more years of excitement and happiness to come and I can’t wait to hold your hand and share it with you.  You are my best friend, my lover and my sometimes the most annoying person in my life but I love you and our boy to the moon and back.  Thank you for so many happy years and to more Wine (or Presecco).  Love always, your Lady C xx

 

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** Karen Ramirez – Looking for Love ** – a Song that I love for 2 reason. My best friend (Bec) and My other Best Friend, my Husband (Dec) 🙂 it reminds me of them both.

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